Struggling

One thing about me is that I am the honest. My father was a pathetical liar and it caused me a lot of heartache so I’ve always been extremely honest, maybe too honest.

I’m struggling. My struggle is very different than most band patients. I don’t gain, I always lose weight, and in people’s eyes, I am very successful. The truth is though, I’m not.

I’ve adapted too well to this surgery. I’m a “go getter” type person. Failure is not a word in my vocabulary. When I want something, I go get it. I have lost 80 pounds by my little old self once before, so weight loss was not exactly new to me.

When you prepare for this surgery, the staff tells you the ground rules. They explain how eating in a small plate will help you, how you must eat like a 2 year old, etc.

I took those rules very seriously and I have never eaten in a big plate, not since surgery. Since I’m no idiot, after awhile I stopped measuring my portions and pretty much eyed them out.

After a few months, eating in a small plate looked normal to me. Seeing people eat this big plate of food didn’t look normal at all. I really adapted to the lifestyle, maybe a little too much.

Even if I eat small portions, I have not once felt deprived or as if I was different at all. I would leave the table completely satisfied. I still enjoyed most of the food I was able to consume before surgery, except for pizza, burgers, fries, pasta, etc.

Anyway, I was talking to my best friend yesterday, telling her I wanted to go for labs because sometimes I feel dizzy. She told me she didn’t think I was eating enough. I told her I was eating a thousand calories a day and after consulting my cousin (who has a bachelor in Nutrition and works as a registered dietician) she informed me one thousand calories a day is not bad for you as long as you are eating things of value.

My friend (who knows me more than I know myself sometimes), asked me whether I was calorie counting. I told her I was not, but that from what I am eating, I am on the safe side. In fact, I figured that I probably ate more than a thousand but just estimating.

She then asked me to count the calories I had eaten the day before and I did.

The verdict?

Not good. I had only consumed 400 calories the day before. I was shocked. I was so sure I had at least eaten at least a thousand, if not more.

This it occurred, if a small plate begins looking like a big plate after awhile; wouldn’t 400 calories begin looking like a thousand?

I felt delusional and it scared me. No one warned me about this. I assume the medical staff figure because your obese, you won’t under eat but that’s clearly not true because that’s what’s happening to me.

Now instead of struggling that I eat too much, I struggle because I eat too little. If you couldn’t balance your eating habits before surgery, how are you supposed to balance them after?

Am I happy with the surgery? Absolutely, I’m getting good results but I still have A LOT of work to do in regards to balancing my nutrition and psychologically. I’m going through a very different struggle than I anticipated but one none the less that I now need to face.

Do I recommend this surgery? That depends. You must have a brain on your shoulders and you have to be educated in nutrition. This is not an easy surgery. I know people say that, but it’s really really, really, really, not easy. Once you think you have it all figured out, you don’t.

Anyway, I am back to calorie counting again. Obviously something is wrong in my brain; it’s not seeing the picture clearly, so I can’t rely on it.

M