Lap Band Rocket Science

Over the last two weeks, I have made some decisions in regarding on how I will “use” my band. Being the crazy, determined, and strong willed person I am, when I first got the lap band, I naturally begun working my ass off.

Knowing beforehand the surgery alone wouldn’t work; I pushed, pushed, and pushed some more in attempt to get to the finish line. I didn’t get weight loss surgery to not lose weight and I wasn’t going to fail because I don’t do fail. Having a co-worker who failed at the band miserably (only losing 20 pounds since surgery, which was TWO years ago), it really opened my eyes that in order to succeed, you need to bust your ass.

I told everyone at work about my surgery, so people look at you expecting results. This also helped me stay focused.

So that’s what I did, I worked my ass off. I was diligent in getting my fills, I watched what I ate, I weighted myself every 3-4 days to ensure I was on track at all times, basically obsessing over it because I strongly believe that if you want something, you breathe, sleep, live and visualize it. If you keep your eyes on the prize, it will be yours.

I lost 90 pounds in six months. It’s not because I sat there and waited for the band to do its magic, I busted my ass both mentally and physically. To be honest, while the band helped with portion control, I probably could have done it by myself (probably not as quickly though)

Well, a couple of weeks ago I began feeling ill. At first I thought something was wrong with me, that I caught a bug going around or something. I was dizzy when I stood up, and sometimes felt faint. After asking my banded guru, she told me straight out “Not eating enough Monica”

So I came to the conclusion that while I was succeeding, I wasn’t really. My body began shutting down on me. I couldn’t concentrate at work, I was more paranoid than usual, and I literally began feeling guilty about everything I put in my mouth like an anorexic. My mind was sick but I had no clue. In fact, I was sure I was eating enough, if not too much. Instead of being an overeater, I had switched it to anorexia. Food became my enemy. It’s strange how a fat person can turn anorexic but IT CAN HAPPEN. I think it depends on the person you are, and it happened to me. I received so many compliments and it felt so good that I felt guilty every time I ate. I started to hate food. Eating food meant the scale going up and I wasn’t going to let that happen, no way. The finish line was in sight and I was going to get there, no matter what.

After I began feeling like poop, I evaluated my situation and concluded that I needed to smarten up. I consulted a few nutrition buffs (for some odd reason I have a few nutritionist friends) to know how many calories I needed, and what I should do so I can lose weight successfully. I am not an expert in nutrition whatsoever (Duh… I made myself sick). But now, after learning how calories and fueling your body works, I have a new game plan.

I only have about 45 pounds left to lose, and I’ve decided to give my body a break and do it the right way with proper nutrition and exercise. Like my friend told me, “Monica, you’ve done great, but now it’s time to let your body go at it’s own pace, it’s time to rely on the band” and I agree.

I am since eating the right amount of calories and I feel much better. The scale has sort of been stalling but I figure it’s still getting over the shock of not eating for so long. Starvation mode does not apply to me, if I don’t eat a lot, I lose very quickly.

In a few weeks once my body has fully recovered from starvation, I will begin exercising 3 times a week and I will let the band run its course to lose those last 45 pounds.

It’s hard to let go of control (control freak!!!) but at the same time, my mind and body are in shock by this whole process and I need to heal. I trust that by doing the right thing, my 45 pounds will be history by the summer anyways and then I will be in maintenance mode, which will be a whole other story,

On Monday I am seeing my surgeon. I am not getting a fill because I don’t need one. The old Monica would have wanted one regardless, because the tighter the band the better, but honestly, I don’t need one and I know that. This may change in March after more weight loss, but I am going to wait till then.

Do I regret the surgery? No, the week where I felt like crap I had a few thoughts of regret, but I am happy that everything happened to me because now I am learning to eat the correct way, which is something I have never done before. I am now super interested in learning about nutrition and the science behind weight loss. I am also excited to begin doing cardio and weights to tone my body and gain muscles. Hopefully I can get rid of those awful bat wings!

Just today, two people asked me if I was going to get plastics once I reach my goal. Honestly, the thought of surgery again gives me the creeps, but I would love to get my stomach done eventually. I carry all my weight in the stomach area, and once that’s gone the skin will be BAD. I assume I will get rashes because of the hanging “apron” so it is somewhat in my plans. I expect to have a child in the next two years so I don’t really see the point of getting my stomach done before then. Honestly, the point of my weight loss was not to get in a bikini. Matt has seen me naked at 300 pounds so I don’t see how hanging skin could be much worst. As long as I look good in clothes, that’s all that counts to me. I was not meant to have a perfect body and that’s okay.

Overall, this surgery has been complicated, but I’m happy.

Monica 

Read more...

Struggling

One thing about me is that I am the honest. My father was a pathetical liar and it caused me a lot of heartache so I’ve always been extremely honest, maybe too honest.

I’m struggling. My struggle is very different than most band patients. I don’t gain, I always lose weight, and in people’s eyes, I am very successful. The truth is though, I’m not.

I’ve adapted too well to this surgery. I’m a “go getter” type person. Failure is not a word in my vocabulary. When I want something, I go get it. I have lost 80 pounds by my little old self once before, so weight loss was not exactly new to me.

When you prepare for this surgery, the staff tells you the ground rules. They explain how eating in a small plate will help you, how you must eat like a 2 year old, etc.

I took those rules very seriously and I have never eaten in a big plate, not since surgery. Since I’m no idiot, after awhile I stopped measuring my portions and pretty much eyed them out.

After a few months, eating in a small plate looked normal to me. Seeing people eat this big plate of food didn’t look normal at all. I really adapted to the lifestyle, maybe a little too much.

Even if I eat small portions, I have not once felt deprived or as if I was different at all. I would leave the table completely satisfied. I still enjoyed most of the food I was able to consume before surgery, except for pizza, burgers, fries, pasta, etc.

Anyway, I was talking to my best friend yesterday, telling her I wanted to go for labs because sometimes I feel dizzy. She told me she didn’t think I was eating enough. I told her I was eating a thousand calories a day and after consulting my cousin (who has a bachelor in Nutrition and works as a registered dietician) she informed me one thousand calories a day is not bad for you as long as you are eating things of value.

My friend (who knows me more than I know myself sometimes), asked me whether I was calorie counting. I told her I was not, but that from what I am eating, I am on the safe side. In fact, I figured that I probably ate more than a thousand but just estimating.

She then asked me to count the calories I had eaten the day before and I did.

The verdict?

Not good. I had only consumed 400 calories the day before. I was shocked. I was so sure I had at least eaten at least a thousand, if not more.

This it occurred, if a small plate begins looking like a big plate after awhile; wouldn’t 400 calories begin looking like a thousand?

I felt delusional and it scared me. No one warned me about this. I assume the medical staff figure because your obese, you won’t under eat but that’s clearly not true because that’s what’s happening to me.

Now instead of struggling that I eat too much, I struggle because I eat too little. If you couldn’t balance your eating habits before surgery, how are you supposed to balance them after?

Am I happy with the surgery? Absolutely, I’m getting good results but I still have A LOT of work to do in regards to balancing my nutrition and psychologically. I’m going through a very different struggle than I anticipated but one none the less that I now need to face.

Do I recommend this surgery? That depends. You must have a brain on your shoulders and you have to be educated in nutrition. This is not an easy surgery. I know people say that, but it’s really really, really, really, not easy. Once you think you have it all figured out, you don’t.

Anyway, I am back to calorie counting again. Obviously something is wrong in my brain; it’s not seeing the picture clearly, so I can’t rely on it.

M

Read more...

6 Months anniversary

It’s been awhile since I posted, and since then I have passed my six month bandiversary (January 22nd, 2010).

There are a few milestones I would like to mention:

- 85 pounds down
- Reached Onderland (198 pounds at the moment)
- I now wear XL shirts and 16 pants
- The compliments have been ongoing and very nice.

I got a fill on January 11th and it’s been rough a little. I had a few stuck episodes which led to me to not eat very much. Eating was simply too painful so I began munching here and there, not really eating many calories, certainly not enough to live a normal healthy life. Last week I began feeling dizzy and I almost fainted in the lunch room. I finally had a long conversation with my best friend, who is also banded, and concluded that I need to eat more.

Since then, I’ve been on routine of eating frequently, and making good choices. I have a bunch of snacks at my desk and I feel much better.

My friend is 5 years out and has been so helpful in providing me tips on how to feed your body properly. I truly thank her for my success. She mentally prepared me for this for 3 years, so I jumped in having a good idea of what I was getting into.

This surgery is a very slippery slope. My band is tight to the point where I never get hungry and always feel full; therefore forgetting to eat is much too easy. I’m happy this happened to me (the fainting spells) because it made me realize a few things, how this is not a race and how taking care of my body is the most important part of the whole journey.

My next fill is scheduled for February 15th, 2010. At this moment I don’t need more restriction but this may change once I get there depending on how much I loose.

It’s been a very rocky six months but I do not regret this surgery. I love my band. It helps me stay in control with my eating, something I had never been able to do before. I still get to enjoy my favorite foods (cheese, chocolate milk, chocolate, chips) but in moderation and I really needed that. Portions were one of my big problems. I had mini eggs (MY FAVORITES) last night and I enjoyed it. I like being able to cheat every once awhile without the guilt.

It’s been quite the journey, but I have changed so much since my surgery. I now dress like I want to dress, care about my hair, put makeup on, etc. Before surgery, I lacked self esteem and thought I was ugly so I didn’t see the point of even trying to look half decent. Now everyday I make an effort to look my best.

My mind still hasn’t caught up with my body. Sometimes when I take a bath, I look at my legs and get amazed at how small they are. I went to Old Navy over the weekend and was shocked to have bought 2 shifts XL and a pair of Jeans there. It took a lot of courage to go try on these clothes, because in the back of my mind I thought they wouldn’t fit and I would leave empty handed but instead I left with $75.00 gone from my bank account.

This surgery is expensive clothing wise. Clothes only last a few weeks and then you notice you could fit into a smaller size. I HATE wearing clothes that are too big so I am always shopping. When I am wearing clothes that are too big, I feel my self esteem going down and I don’t want that to happen.

My next goal is the big one, the final goal. I am still unsure of where I want my ideal weight to be. I am hoping to reach somewhere from 145-150 so I can have a BMI of 25 which means I still have another 50 pounds to lose. It still sounds like a lot in my mind but I know I’ll make it.

I’m aiming for my one year bandiversary, July 22nd, 2010. I think six months is reasonable to lose 50 pounds. A lot of people tell me I don’t need to lose anymore, or that the point is not to get to a normal BMI, but when I had this surgery, I had it to go all the way.

In 2005, I made it to 186 pounds and gave up and gained everything back. This time I am not settling for the bronze or silver, I’m going for the gold!

The truth is that this journey is for life, because even when I reach the gold, it won’t be over. Maintenance is a whole different ballgame and I have to accept the fact that no matter what, I will always have to monitor my weight no matter what. I will never be those people who can eat whatever and not gain.

M

Read more...

No longer Obese

I had my fourth fill Monday. I am no longer obese. The doc explains that from a medical standard, I am no longer in risk of obese related diseases. This is a huge accomplisment for me, and I feel relieved. My hubby had heartburn the other day, and I remembered that before the band, I had daily heartburn (reflux) and I would wake up choking at night from the acid, in spite of my daily meds. It is such a relief to know that this nightmare is over. I have not had any heartburn since surgery.

I still have 53 pounds to lose before I reach my goal of 150 pounds. I have not been 150 pounds since grade 9 so I can't wait until I get there.

Last weekend I needed a bra so I went at Sears (which is connected to the mall). I decide to venture out into the mall. I was super embarrased. I walked into a few store and quickly left because XL are actually smalls, but I did buy myself a few XL shirts at walmart. I was pretty happy to be fitting in normal people clothes.

Keeping up with the clothing I need has been the ultimate bitch. I only have one pair of pants at the moment. It's quite annoying and super expensive.

I've been feeling bitter sweet about my success. Reason being is that my results aren't typical and I feel when other band patients see my loss, they feel down about themselves and I don't want to do this. I wish I would motivate these folks instead of bringing them down. I can't explain why I am losing so quickly, except I knew it was in my genes (my mom can lose weight really really quickly and has numerous times) and that I went from eating like a pig to eating like a 3 year old which obviously made a big diffrence.

I hate feeling guilty about my success but I also hate that I may be discouraging people. This is certainly not my goal. The thing with obesity is that it often accompanies depression so alot of banded folks are depressed, and I can understand that seeing my results may depress them cause if I were in their shoes, I would be also.

I don't know, my hubby always tells me "Monica fuck them" you are working super hard and you deserve your success. I agree, but in the same breath the last thing I want to do is cause someone to give up on their band.

Anyway enough ranting.

M

Read more...